Miles Away, Inches Apart
by babyluw
Summary: It's all between the lines. It's all about reading the other persons actions. And I quote Kubo when I say 'No heart warming stories.'
1. Chapter 1

Paring: Renji/Ichigo (OMG!!)  
Warning: Ya, know, the usual; smex, drugs, angst, non-con....all that shit.  
Other: Thanks to Hopelesslover23 for being my awesome beta. oh, and this is rather short...but it works, right? if not, complain dammit, I won't cnock on your door or something (but that would be rather funny, wouldn't it? xD)

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Miles Away, Inches Apart

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"Renji?"

"Yeah Ichigo, it's me, it's just me so don't freak out... don't kill me."

"I'm not feelin' very well Renji. My body- it's _burning_." Does he have any idea of hot he sounds? Does he know that my cock twitch every time he arch his back a little or clench that six pack?

"Yeah, I'm sorry." My heart beats so fast. I want to scream out in agony. "I drugged you, it's nothing dangerous; it's just making you relaxed and aroused." This is so wrong but- I don't want to stop-I don't think I can stop.

My fingers tremble as I run them up his side. His erect cock is pressed up against my stomach as I'm lying between his legs.

"W-hy?" he says and my nails scratch his ribs, making him arch and let out a gasp.

"'Cause I want you." He was so oblivious, I couldn't take it anymore. I move up a bit, scrap my teeth against his heaving chest, my damp breath moistening his neck, my lips sucking one of his ear lobes.

"Renji?" My cold fingers ghost the inside of his thigh, and he twitches in response, making me bite down on my lip. I push a weak hand against the warm skin, making him spread his legs a bit more, and I reach for the lube that's laying on the mattress beside him.

"_Renji?_" He's taking deep breaths as I press my body against his and I can feel his rapidly beating heart slam against my chest. My fingers circle his entrance and he sucks in a breath. I press a finger into him and- and he's so beautiful that I can't even look at him. "Please stop. This isn't funny anymore, _stop_."

I stare into the pillow, one hand at the back of his neck, finger's twined into his messy hair, the other hand between his legs, fingers working against warm clenching walls. He's moaning into my ear, he's arching, pressing up against me, grinding his cock against mine.

His hand slam down on my back as I find his prostrate - fingers digging into my shoulder blades as I massage the point before pulling out. "Ren- Renji, you shouldn't do this." he moans into my ear. He doesn't have to tell me - I know.

I lift myself up, still not able to look him in the eye, so I stare onto his glistering heaving chest instead as I lube myself up.

"I love you Ichi." It's cruel of me to say those words; it's cruel of me to try to consulate him in any way when it's me that brings him the pain.

I enter him slowly, he's clenching down around me. Lube is collecting in big drops when it gets pushed out of the way only to drip down on the white sheet beneath. It's amazing that he still can find the muscles in him to do so but, then again, he's always been amazing. Star material, born to shine, the man who defeated the God that stood in the heavens.

His legs run against the mattress and I push myself in further, and he moans so deeply. My hand goes over his chest, trembling fingers gracing over a perky nipple before going lower to dip in the hollows between ribs and muscles. I grab his hip and thrust in the last part, fully sealing myself up inside of him.

He's tight, I can't move. I grab his cock, feeling him pulse around me with anticipation and I start to pump him steadily, hearing his shaky breath right above my head. I still can't look, but I want to see him.

So I look, and I wish I hadn't. His eyes are shut tightly, his jaws are clenched together and his frown is deep.

"This isn't good Renji." Yeah, _I know_ Ichi. And I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for bringing so much misery into your life.

I pull out half way, only to push myself back in again, feeling waves of heat wash over me, seeing him writhe in pleasure beneath me, and I do it again. I start to move steadily, long, deep thrusts as I continue to stroke his cock. He lets out deep groans and small whines.

"You're beautiful Ichi, so beautiful." I feel his cock twitch in my hand and I drive myself just a little bit faster, feeling the edge closing in.

"R-Renji, you have to- you have to _stop_." _I know_, and believe me, I want to. It hurts-it hurts so much, with every heartbeat. My cold fingers tremble against his body. My heavy breathing makes his skin granulate. I feel like I'm melting, I'm over heated but his skin is still burning under my hands.

This is everything that I wanted, right? To have him in my arms like this, to be consumed by him like this, to consume him like this. Still, I'm torn, still, the air I breath feels like icing cold water.

His thighs press against my sides as he clench down on my cock. A hand comes up to grab my shoulder, nails digging into my skin. "Stop- _Stop_, I can't-" he cries and his insides pulse around me, forcing me to pull out and loose it just before he cries out. I feel his cock quiver in my hand as he shoots thick loads of come over his chest.

I feel as I've never seen something as gorgeous in my whole life.

I look at his face, how the tension in his jaws disappears first before everything else comes after. Then his filmed eyes open and try to find focus on me, as a honest and pure smile spreads over his face before he falls back against the mattress unconscious. Then I feel it, like a bomb dropping, his reiatsu goes high wire and it's like Senbokusakura is raining over me all over again.

I look up, just to see the whole room losing its form, how the walls grow wavy. Is this Ichigos doing? Shit, he's releasing to much spiritual energy, this isn't good. It could affect the whole Soul Society.

What do I do? He has to _pull it back_. He has to _control it_.

Then it appears to me, and my eyes shoot to look down on the face beneath me. Ichigo isn't the person to control his energy, he's even worse than a first grader on doing it. He's only releasing more when he's fighting, but since he's always in such a pinch at those times, I guess he's been using it all up at those moments.

_Wait_, hasn't this happened before? Didn't Rukia say something about the pressure of his energy scaring an enormous Gillian away?

My bedside table is melting, or transforming into steam, I can't tell which, either way it's dissolving. I don't have all the time in the world to think. What happened the last time, come on, think!

_Ishida_. Yeah, that's right, find a way to release his energy. If it continues like this he will destroy his own body.

I grab a hold of his shoulder, it's not hard to merge with his reiatsu when he's pouring it out like this. And I start to ramble the only kido spell that I have the least confidence in.

It shoots a big hole into the roof, and wood and pipes rain down on us in their surreal form, and I do it again. And I let them keep on coming, after a while not even caring about speaking the formula to make it keep its form, not caring if it ends up exploding in my own face.

He knew that this would happen, he even tried to warn me! How can I be so stupid? Why do I insist on hurting him like this? Of course I should have known that there was a reason for why he stayed single all this time.

His spiky reiatsu is flowing through me, sharp and cutting as it moves through my veins. It feels like my arm will come off soon. It hurts so much. But I don't stop, I fucking deserve this pain and I keep on letting the red flames come until Ichigo calms down, until the things around us take their normal form again, until his form grows relaxed beneath me, until I faint.

It's hours later that I wake up, seeing the gray morning sky through the hole in my ceiling. The sun will be up soon. I look at Ichigo, he's still sleeping, and it doesn't look like he'll wake up soon. I guess that's good for me.

He looks so peaceful, like nothing had ever happened to him, like nothing had ever hurt him. He doesn't look like someone who's been through wars, like someone who's had the world's future resting on his shoulder. He doesn't look like someone who has been deceived and raped by one of his best friends.

I hate myself.

I sit up a bit, leaning over him, holding myself up by my arm – the one I can still use, my other is completely wiped out, I'd be surprised if I could even hold a pen. His breath catches and his lips part just slightly. I can see goosebumps on his chest and I pull the cover over him after I memorise every curve and bump and dip and scar that I can see or feel.

I can feel my throat close up, a black blob settling in the back, blocking air from coming in as it should. I have to get out of here. If he opens his eyes I'm not sure that I could keep myself from doing it all over again.

I sit up correctly, my elbows landing on my pulled up knees and I run a somber hand through my hair and sigh. What the fuck did I do last night? I raped the only person in the world that was still pure. I raped the saviour of the world. Ichigo...

"I'm sorry," I mumble lightly, getting up from the mattress on the floor and pulling my clothes on.

I keep myself from looking at him until my hand lands on the door handle. That's when I turn, seeing his beautiful form, still sleeping, feet and a leg sticking out from under the cover. He'd clenched his hands into fists and the frown that was next to erased earlier is back, deeper than normal.

Even if it was his smile that made me fall for him, seeing him in pain still affects me more than it should, more that I'd want to admit.

I turn my back to him, my hand clamping down on the handle, my head hitting the door frame and I swallow the lump in my throat. "Don't ever forgive me."

I love him,

_but not nearly enough._

"Goodbye."

The small gasp I hear is only in my imagination.

And I walk out on him.

-

.END

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Don't hate Renji. He'll have a tough time in this story...^^'


	2. Chapter 2

So, this is the second part.

No warning for this, just angst. And, it's even shorter than the first chapter.

Btw, now we're switching to Ichi's POV, but that's pretty clear.

As always Hopelesslover23 has been my amazing beta.

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2

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I wasn't asleap, I know that you think that I was, but as with everything else, you were wrong. I woke nearly an hour before you did, and I had been watching you all the while since then, I even tread my fingers through your hair, cursing myself all the while. I closed my eyes when I felt you waking up, the shifting in the sheets when you sat up. I heard every word you mumbled. How you moved around in the wreched place, avoiding looking towards me. And I saw you walk out the door. It took all the power I had to just lay there.

When I think of the situation, of what you really did, I have a hard time beliving it. You had always apeard as the kind of person that would do anything to make your friends happy, I guess you slipped in the end.

Why don't I hate you? I should fucking kill you for what you did, for what state you put me into. Why do I miss you instead? Why do I want your arms around me? My heart hurts and with every fucking heartbeat it just gets worse.

I don't want to be here, I don't want to be near anything that reminds me of you.

I slamm my fist into the floor, hearing it crack under me and I sit up, trying to lokate my clothes. Your place seems so dead without you here, even with a big hole in the ceiling it's just... fake. It makes me feel so uneasy, it makes me want to run away from this place even more.

So I stand up on wobbly legs, and ignoring the pain in my back and that I still don't have full controll over my body I pull my clothes on and bolt out the door.

It's first when I'm outside that I realise that I don't know where to go. And even if I did, I had next to no chance on finding it. So I breath out, trying to relax, my mind shuts down and I head to the right.

It's hours later, when the sun is making it's way down again, that I find myself up on the Soukyoku hill. My stomach grumbling and my feet heavy. There's this constant beat that I'm hearing that I can't really explain. Maybe it's the background music to the movie that I'm in? The soundtrack of my life? Just a constant beat. Fits me, nothing more than the necessary.

And I look up, or rather, I focus my eyes again, taking in my suroundings, the blue sky, the green grass. And there you are again. Standing on the edge of the hill, gazing out over Soul Society, your back facing me.

And it feels like my brain is starting up again for the first time since I left your place. And the thoughts that invades my head; I'm growing pissed off. The fact that you actually sort of raped me dosn't bother me, but you left me there. That you say that you- you say that you want me, and then you leave me?

But that dosn't really bother me either. I don't really care that you hurt _me_. It's just that you hurt somebody that's your friend, even if it's only in combat. I had such an image of you, thought that I had you all figured out. I thought you and I were alike, that I understood you. That you understood me.

"I guess my asumptions of you were wrong." I can hear myself grumble out before I know it. Your shoulders tense slightly but you don't turn around. You won't face me.

"Yeah, I don't apear as a rapist, do I?" you say after a while clear and steady. It's like you're a compleatly different person and for a while I hope that you are. That it's not you, it's not _Renji_, that stands there - it's just a look alike, I've made a mistake, it's just your biggest fan, a cosplyer...not _you_.

"That is not what I meant." I grunt. Who even cares about the rape?! Who cares of the fact that it was my first orgasm since I became a shinigami?! Who cares 'bout the fact that I probably never felt so good, and now, probably never will again? "You don't appear as the person who would walk out on someone." I can feel my heart clench and I see your fists do the same.

"I couln't stay I- I would have done it all over again. And I don't want to do that, I don't want to be that person." And you turn half way, looking at me over your shoulder. "I'm sorry Ichigo, I wont expose you to something like that ever again."

And moments pass where I can just stare at you. Stare at the person infront of me, the person that looks so much like you.

"In fact, we wont see each other anymore. I'll get myself signed over to some other area, don't come here again. Live your life while you can." Your words hurt more than they should and the moment I blink you dissapear.

And this time, who am I supposed to fight against to bring you back?

-

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Your comments means more to me than your favs. Even if I like your favs. And critisism is always welcome.


	3. Chapter 3

so, uh, here's part 3. no sex in this one and we're still in Ichi's POV. And hopelesslover23 is still my beta :D

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Part 3

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How long has it been? Surely, not over a month, right?

I don't know... Fuck, I'm tired.

_You can't fall asleep, what if he shows up and you miss him? Just cause you were such a kid and fell asleep..._

But I haven't slept in a month.

_What are you talking about? You slept twenty minutes yesterday morning. That's even ten minutes more than you should have...you're slipping._

It was just 'cause my dad woke up a little late, that's all. I'm sure he wasn't here. _He wasn't here._

I'm fine. Never been in a better shape. Now, get up from the floor, you have to fake your sleep before dad kicks the door in.

I've built up a routine, involving no sleep except a ten minuet power nap that I take in the mornings - when I know that my dad will come and wake me up before I drift in too far. To keep the energy up I eat more, and I try to eat stuff that's as close to the nature as possible - cause what you really want is the energy that the plants suck up - the energy from the sun. In every lead that energy pass, only 10% stays, that means that if you eat salad or something that's been growing directly under the sun, you'll get in 100% of the energy into your mouth, your body on the other hand will only take up 10% of it. Which is a really good number. If you eat a chicken that's been fed up on proper veggies, that chicken would take up 10%, and you would take up 10% of that, meaning 1%.

If you eat fish that's been brought up in farms, to bring up one kilo of the fish that most people want, the popular fish, it takes two kilo of the fish that's unpopular. That means that the fish that next to no one prefers eats the 100%, and takes up 10%, then it gets turned into food for the popular fish. The fish that we prefers then eats the 10% and takes up 1%. And in the end, when we eat it, our body only gets 0,1% of the original energy. And now we're still pretty close to the original source, aint we?

And stay away from sugar. We all know how that works. If you stay up 48 hours and just eat crappy fast food you'll get the same effect as with LSD.

I try not to join in on bigger activities. For example, I've been skipping physical education from the start. Been avoiding my dad as much as I could. I'm not out hunting hollows if I don't sense one. I haven't done more homework than is necessary to not get called up to the principal. No, I don't even want to have my brain working too hard, even brain activity is burning calories, and then also burning energy.

What I have been doing is a lot of that sensing lately, mostly 'cause I want to know if-

I've been getting a lot better on controlling my spiritual energy. I can almost pull it in completely by now. Even Ishida praised me the other day, so I'm a bit proud of myself. When I can control it completely I'll ask Urahara to open the gate to Soul Society. Until then, the only chance I have of seeing him is staying awake. Try to always be ready for him passing by.

I watch the sun settle through my window, my back against the closet door, my ass on the floor.

Time drifts by.

It gets dark.

Focus the energy. You can feel everything that's going on.

A hollow enters Kurakura but Ishida is only a hundred meters away, he'll take care of it.

Chad's out moving. His reiatsu is fierce, he must be training.

Orihime's calming down, she must be falling asleep.

Sleep.

There's a bolt just two blocks away, shit. It feels like an undeveloped arrancar. I'm up on my feet and out the window before I know it.

The arrancar is huge, its massive tongue swinging at me the second I land in front of it.

When I swing Zangetsu down and split the beast in half. I can feel exhaustion creeping in. Fuck, that adrenaline kick wasn't good. I stand up straight, I'm fine. I have lots of energy left.

There's something different with the air tonight.

I watch how the hollow falls away in two parts and dissolves into black dust, leaving a next to empty street behind it. Next to.

There you are.

Our eyes meet and you make your run. But this time I'm on the alert and I can clearly see which way you're shunpoing and I can fallow.

It's just seconds later that I push you up against a tree in the park. The adrenaline level high in my veins, I can almost feel it moving, circulating, within me. My hand is fisted hard in your kimono, and I press against you a bit more, for good emphasis.

"You know, I considered you one of my best friends. I thought I knew you," I growl, the air nearly rolling out of my lungs. You don't do anything, just stares down at my chest, ready to take whatever I throw at you. "I thought you knew me." My voice drops just slightly and you suck in a breath. "But your actions, it seems like you don't know me at all."

I don't know what I'm saying. It feels like I should have prepared a speech or something, I've had a whole month on me. I take in how you look. I can nearly see your rib gage right under collarbones that stands out clearly. I look up on your face, the dark rings under your blood shot eyes, you haven't been sleeping either.

The adrenaline is out, I can barely stand. That shunpo really took all that was left of me.

"You should know..." I mumble, my eyes drifting close. I'm losing it. "I don't handle people disappearing very well."

I'm tired.

Oh.

Sleep.

-

TBC.

Ps. All facts mentioned are true, or well the 10% may waver a bit depending on speices and such but it's around that amout the whole time. It has something to do with the plants that makes it only possible for them to pic up the energy directly from the sun (and that's why they don't need food for ex), there were also something about the green but I can't remember clearly cuz then I started thinking about if Zoro need food or if he would be fine with just water...


	4. Chapter 4

Sorry it took such a long time, it really wasn't my intention. I thought I had sent it off to my beta, but it turned out that I hadn't... and now she's packing up for booth camp or something. So there's no beta for this - but it'll probably be fine anyhow. :D

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Part 4.

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I catch him as he falls, closing my arms around his waist and body, keeping him standing flushed against me. And I dip my nose into his hair, breathing his sent in, feeling my heartbeat increase. _Oh_, this isn't good.

I host him up a bit, closing my arms under his ass and I shunpo my way to his house.

I drop him down on his bed and his arms fall out on each side. He looks so good, his bronzed skin and bright hair against the white pillow in the gray moon light.

My fingers starts to travel, loosening the knot that binds his kimono together.

What the fuck are you doing?! Sure, he isn't drugged now but, he's passed out!

I sigh, closing my eyes, treading my fingers through my hair, rubbing the feeling of radiation out of my eyes. And then I fall down beside him, my arm creeping in under his clothes, up over his bare back, pulling him flushed against me. I didn't think such a relief would wash over me by just seeing him.

It's okay to stay, as long as you wake up before he does. As long as you get the hell out of here before he realise...

He smells good.

This feels good, how long has it been since I slept?

I'm kind of tired.

When I wake up- When I realise that I'm waking up, it's to something that's tickling my nose. I blow out some air, trying to blow away whatever it is that's bugging me from my much needed sleep.

There's a breeze hitting my shoulder and I try to pull the heat that I've wrapped myself around closer.

When I bury my nose into the tickling instead it stops tickling and I breath in deeply the smell that now became even clearer.

It smells so good. It smells just like Ichigo....

And slowly but surely yesterday's memories starts filling my mind again.

I snap my eyes open, just to be rewarded by what I already knew would be there; a orange mess off hair. I pull my head back as far as I can without moving anything else so that I can look down on his face.

He's sleeping, his breath hitting my chest with even breaks. He looks calm and peaceful out again, innocent in a way that should be impossible for him.

The kimono is still draped over his shoulders and one of my hands go from where it's placed on his back and over his hip and up his chest, stopping over his collarbones, my fingers gracing his neck. I should really leave, this daylight is to much for me to handle. _He's_ to much for me to handle.

But he looks so good. Maybe just one kiss, one last, one first. Just...

I shuffle down a bit, so that I get eye to eye with him and his breath hits my face instead. Fuck, he's amazing up close too. My fingers start traveling again, lightly fallowing the sharp jaw, dipping into the space between his chin and lip before going up over his cheek and I let my thumb press against his bottom lip.

I move just a little bit closer, watching him closely as there's a breath that's breathed just a little bit sharper and his eyes moves under the locks. It's all okay, he's just dreaming. I gaze down at his lips and let my thump part them just slightly. A bit closer, my nose press against his cheek. I can't believe I'm doing this, that I'm exposing him to this shit again.

His breath sharpens just slightly again and his hand twitch lightly and I pull away.

"Ichigo?"

"What?" he grumps and squeeze his eyes together before he opens them and stares right into me. His pupils grows small fast, adjusting to the light and he winches a bit before he grows used to it.

His eyes are-

I don't know.

The bright white light that are surrounding us makes it possible for me to see every stripe of the iris, every different shade of brown and yellow. I can even see parts that seems to be green. The blackness that are his pupils shouldn't be able to be so black in this bright light.

It can't be possible that he's a human being. Nothing can be so well developed and be just another soul in the universe. Impossible.

My heart clench in my chest and I dig my fingers that are still at his cheek into his hair, my nails scraping at his scalp roughly before I pull him closer again. My nose bump against his cheek and that's the only warning he gets before I part my lips and crash them onto his.

I start bringing my other hand up, his fingers squeezing gently around my wrist, a silent way to tell me to stop. I steady my weight on it as I push him over to his back and roll over him.

His whole body is tense and I crack an eye open just to see that his eyes are shut tightly.

I don't like it and I tare away from his lips and go down on his neck instead. His pulse beats rapidly under my palm and he gasps as I bite down on the tender skin.

"Renji." There's a light panic in his voice and it's probably that that makes me stop.

I'm doing it again. I'm hurting him again.

I pull away completely.

He looks up at me with wide eyes. And my heart throbs once more.

I need to get out of here.

I shoot up from the bed, and before I know it my back hits the floor. I groan and then there's a light pain that settles in my wrist and I sit up to see what it is that's holding it. Black steel cuffs, who would have guessed?

"I knew you were gonna run again." Ichigo says as he sits up and throws his legs over the edge of the bed and lifts his hand, that the other edge of the cuffs are feasted to closer to me so that I can see them better. "These are reiatsu blocking so there's no need to try anything unnecessary."

I wince, why didn't I realise that sooner? Oh, now I feel slightly pathetic, but it goes over soon as I gaze up on him and the content look that has settled on his handsome face. And there's an anger that starts growing inside of me and he can probably see it cause the look disappear and the scowl deepens as his eyes grow darker.

I stand up, grabbing his cuffed wrist with my hand and putting a knee on the mattress between his legs, forcing him to look up at me. "Do you get what it is I want?" I nearly growl at him and he nods carefully and it pisses me of even more. My other hand lands at his shoulder and I push him down on the mattress, rolling my hips against his, feeling my cock starting to harden immediately. I lean in, whispering against his neck "This is what you'll get if you don't let me go." as I roll my hips against his once again.

_Scare him, scare him so that he'll release you. And then get the hell out of here. Just leave him alone, you have to stay away from him._

"No." he says as his hand, the one I haven't pinned down, grabs my shoulder "I won't let you leave again."

His voice is so low that it makes the short hairs on my neck rise. And that's when I realise just how traumatized he really is, and that I could do next to anything and he would never leave me, never abandon me.

I've never felt so bad in my entire life. I didn't think you could hate yourself this much.

So why am I attaching my mouth to his? Why is my hand creeping down towards his hakama? And why am I not stopping?

He doesn't stop me as I undress him completely, he's not putting up a fight as I crawl between his legs. He arches beneath me as my fingers graze his inner thigh, shudders as I nudge his hole.

"Do you have any lube?" I ask, as I press the top of my index finger into him, feeling him tense up immediately. He breaths in deeply before he looks up at me.

"I have lotion in the drawer." he says, voice weak and as soon as he close that mouth again he gulps loudly.

As I reach for the drawer next to his bed my stomach tighten and I know that I don't wanna do this. I don't want to, not when his eyes are so large when they look up at me, not when his hands are so cold, not when it's so clear that he dosn't want to.

But for some reason I can't stop, I've never been able to hold back when it comes to him, have I?

The head of my cock is pressing lightly against his inner thigh as I press a smooth finger inside of him, and then one more.

Everything goes so smoothly that I almost fool myself into believing that it's all just a dream.

But then I enter him and his breath speeds up even more as he tenses up around me and I know that no dream can have eyes so real as the ones who're staring up at me right now.

I lean down and kiss him as my free hand run up and down his side, trying to be comforting as I slowly start moving.

His body is amazing, _he's_ amazing. I have a steady hand on his hip that lifts him up enough and as I pic up my speed he swallows a keening noise.

I see the goosebumps on his chest, the hardened nipples and the hard cock between his legs. I host one of his legs up on my shoulder as I drive into him even harder, my eyes on his lips as his mouth falls open and his ragged panting breath get out in the open.

Close, so fucking close.

I bring my chained hand up to his cock, his hand landing on my side as I start to jerk him of. He shudders beneath me, eyes squeezing shut.

"Renji. _Don't_." That's all he says as the tries to push me away. I throw one last glance at the black metal that links us together before I pick up my speed, beating into him almost madly.

His moan as he comes; it's like a low rumbling that goes right trough him, right through me. His come hit his chest, reaching all the way up to his neck.

Pulsing around me I continue pounding for a few more seconds before I pull out and release onto the mattress, letting his legs fall down on each side of me.

His body tenses beneath me, and I can feel his reiatsu strong and sharp under an invisible surface. But it's okay, the cuffs will block and as to make sure I throw a glance at them, seeing them shake around his wrist.

And as I see small sparks of them flying away I realise that they're not strong enough to hold him down, no one is. And as to prove me right thin threads of his reiatsu starts leaking out, tickling up against my chest.

I don't know what to do. I can't start shooting here.

So I close my arms around him instead, my free hand finding a place in his hair, my other clamping down on his hand.

_Fuck. I'm holding his hand._

His heart beats rapidly against my chest, his breath ragged in my ear but, eventually he calms down. And he's squeezing my hand right back.

For a couple of minuets that's all we do, until he coughs and I get off him.

I look at him out of the corner of my eye and he looks out the window.

"You've gotten better on controlling your energy." I say and he chuckles as that small grin finds its way back to his face.

"Yeah, I've practised a lot lately." I can feel a light tug in the cuffs as he turns to meet my eyes. "My dad will come any minuet so it might be best for you to hide in the closet."

I can't help but smile at that. "You sure you can let me go?"

He flinches clearly as he sits up next to me and oh, shit, what did I just say?

"Promise that you won't run." he says and that black lump finds it's way back into my throat. He doesn't get that I'm running for his sake, he doesn't- fuck, he's throwing away himself for my sake, to make me happy.

"I'll stay." I can't look at him as I say it, knowing fully well that I'm lying.

He reaches into the drawer, pulling out the key and easily unlocks both our wrists and then throws the cuffs and the key back into the drawer. I feel slightly stupid, I didn't even bother to look for them, and they were in such an obvious place...

He throws his legs over the edge of the bed and pulls on his hakama, tying it quickly as he gets up and walks over to the closet. Pushing the door open he pull out his body and enters it, rolling his shoulders lightly as he looks back at me.

"Come on, get in, my dad will be here any second now." And as on call I hear someone going up the stairs.

And somewhere in me I know that I should take this chance and run. But there he stands, one hand holding the closet door, a smirk on his face and I believes him. Believes that everything is just as it's supposed to be.

Just as it used to be.

-

end

-

There will probably be two parts more. JSYK.


	5. Chapter 5

these two last chapters will give me the ending that I want. Not the one you might, so, if you liked how chapet four ended, I advice you to stop reading there.

-

Part 5

-

I don't know what I should call our relationship.

_Other than fake._

Whenever we're around other people, it's just as it used to be. We bitch and fight but, the moment we enter a closed room his whole personality changes.

His arms would hug me from behind. He would swiftly move us towards the bed, all the while undressing us both. We would fall on top of the mattress and he... he would consume me.

But for some reason it all seems fake. Like he's just acting, trying to make me happy.

_And somewhere someone drops a piano down a well.  
_  
He thinks that because I'm _human_ I can't handle the relationship that he wants. It's like he's pretending to like me, even though it's been clear from the start that all he wants is... fucking. I don't really know why, I mean, why me? Sure, I have quite a good physic, it's not like I'm ugly or anything, I do have pretty decent eyes, straight nose... pretty sharp jaw too... and clean eyebrows...

Okay, I do look quite good. But he's Renji! He has everything I have and more!

I'm sure he could get anyone he wants.

Maybe it's the weird hair colour?

There's not so many with orange hair in Soul Society after all. Must be the hair colour.

Still, he dosn't have to act like that all the time. I can handle just a fuck from time to time. Sure, I couldn't when this all started, but I can now. I finally have a hold of my energy. What he's doing now is way worse. The small smiles, the glances, the way his hand wanders. He's tearing down all my walls. I don't like it, especially when I know that this whole thing will be over in a few months, if not sooner. He will move on, not having the will to act anymore, his desires faded.

_And somewhere far far down it lands with a big crash.  
_  
Why did I even get into this?

_You know the answer to that question pretty well, don't you?  
_  
I do. But he shouldn't demand something like this from me?! He should know... I've told him about my mum, he was with me under the rescue of Rukia, and of Inoue. He should know that if he left, I would chase him down.

It shouldn't be like this. This is just what I don't need. But still, if I could freeze time and stay in one place, in one moment, I have a bad feeling I would stop and live in these days forever.

_And it breaks into so many pieces that it'll be impossible to fix it.  
_  
Maybe it's cause I'm a substitute shinigami. I'm like some rare item, like his glasses, like his hair, like his tattoos. One of a kind.

Maybe he's fucked every ass in Soul Society and needed something new.

Does it really mater?

No, not really. But it'd be nice to know. If I have something to base my facts on, they'll be easier to remember. Like math, just teaching yourself a random equation can be quite hard, but if you know all the reasons for all the letters and signs - then there's no problem.

If I don't know the reason for why he wants me as a fuck-buddy, then I might forget that that's all he wants. I might forget and end up falling for him. I might end up being pulled into a mess that I don't want to be in. That I never want to be in.

It shouldn't be like this.

Shit, I don't ever want to fall in love.

"Ichigo." I look up from the paper that's laying spread out on my legs, the page hasn't changed since I opened it. The sound of his voice, I know what he's gonna say. I knew from the start, from the first morning after the first night, that this was how it would end.

_Not that anyone would ever find it. Not that anyone would ever want to try.  
_  
I'm okay with it, cause it dosn't mater. It never did. Our relationship is based only on sex-drive. There is nothing else to it. Never was, never will be. The sooner this happens, the better.

I don't ever want to fall in love.

"Let's break up."

But it's nothing that I have within my control.

-

You'r comments still means more than your favs. Not that I'm expecting more favs from this xD


	6. Chapter 6

The finall part then.

-

Part 6.

-

I never should have jumped into the closet all those months ago.

I knew this would happen, I knew we would end up here.

I never should have hoped for something else.

He's acting like my boyfriend. _Acting_.

Not in public. In fact, I don't think anyone knows what's really going on between us.

He lets me do whatever I want, and he's opening up beneath me.

The smal smiles, the light touches, the quick glances. It's all just teasing me, it's all just tearing at me. I'm losing. He's making me forgett, just for tiny moments. It hurts so much to remember.

It's all just an act.

_Casual fucking.  
_  
What more did I expect? It's not like you can make someone fall in love with you. Or well, it's not like I can make him fall in love with me.

He plays this game the best he can. Throwing away himself, trying to make me happy.

But I won't be happy before he loves me. And that's probably the problem. _Probabl__y?_ That _is_ the problem. Or maybe the problem is that I fell in love with him in the first place. Never should have looked into those eyes, never should have let my mind slip into those thoughts. Never should have lost control.

He should have just let me run away. Sure, he would hurt in the beginning, but it would go over, right? And in the end, at least he would be happy - find himself some girl and get the life he deserves to have. What we're doing now is just driving us both into the abyss. I need to end this. It was I who started it, it's my responsibility to end it.

"Ichigo." I'm sorry I started this whole thing. I wasn't strong enough to keep my hands off you. I wasn't strong enough to hold myself back.

But I'm growing, always, constantly since I met you I've become stronger for every day that passed. And I think, no, I know, I have to be, I'm strong enough to control myself now. I'm strong enough to take my filthy hands off of you.

I'll fix this, I'll get everything back to normal.

So, "Let's break up." Not that what we have is really a relationship.

His reiatsu pulse, one single time, before it disappears completely.

And it hurts, that he's hiding his emotions with it but still, it feels nice that I don't have to feel the relief that has to be flowing through him right now. Always the gentle one, ain't you?

His eyes are glued to mine, and I can see a small worry entering as his frown deepens just slightly.

"I won't leave. Promise." Still, after all this, he's the same as he's always been. After all of this, he still don't hate me. "Let's just end this whole charade and get back to what we used to be." Truly, I'm grateful. "I can't keep this up."

"Okay."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be, I knew it would end like this." He knew I wouldn't go on forever. It's a small punch in the guts, knowing that he just put up with me like that.

"You wanna go sparring?" But it dosen't mater any more. I'll fix this. I'll put this behind me, behind us. Everything will be as it was before.

"Yeah."

I wish I could've been satisfied with just staying by his side.

-

The end.

-

Sorry for being such an ass. I have to even out for all the happy endings out there. Complain if you want to, I wil listen and respond but, it won't change the fact that I want my endings to be impossible to predict from the get go.


End file.
